My tired throat closes in
No more breathing now
Too much fighting with air
My body forgets how

My eyes fight off the dark
Still it takes my vision
Throwing out thought
I fall into this division

Sorry, for the emo poetry.  Just random thoughts that I needed to throw out.  I am feeling sick and gunk-y right now, so probably not the best time to write, but then true to form, I can sleep any time but now.  Almost tempted to take something to knock me out...

Oigh!  This insomnia stuff is for the birds!  I miss normal night's sleep with my weird dreams... not that I have those dreams much anymore...  And it is on nights like this that it actually bugs me.  When a paper is due first thing in the morning it is convenient. When I am working on a project great!  When the cold bug hits... please shoot me now, so that I may rest in eternal slumber...

Gosh, now I really do sound emo.  I blame the cold.  Anyway, I can't concentrate enough to write more... My brain is going in and out of this fog.  Ick.  Perhaps I'll write more again soon, and of a less emo nature. ;)

So, my boyfriend came to visit this weekend.  It was the first time that he met my parents so I was super nervous because I wanted it all to go well.  He rose to the occasion and then some.  My family thought he was a "good guy" and he thought they were really neat.  He even managed to make friends with my dog who generally dislikes all boys, men, and the like.  It was awesome.

But now I am sitting here thinking about the future.  Right now is one of the few times when I have been brave enough to look forward.  I dare not hope for anything, for hopes are so often dashed, but I did think about the possibilities. 

What if this works out?
What if he is "the one?"
What if we take the plunge and *gulp* tie the knot?  (after a few years of course)
It is still early, but what if?

Then there is the other side of the coin.

What if it doesn't work out?
What if we break up?
What if we have some terrible fight and don't speak anymore?
I don't know if I could bear it, but what if?

So, as the heaven/hell scenarios  run through my mind I regain my grip on how little control I really have over this.  I decide what I do, but there are so many outside factors.  I try to be optimistic, and if The Secret is right then that should be enough.  Sometimes I still have to fight of the what if's though.  It helps to have them written out.  Just the black on white makes all those little inklings clear for a moment so that I won't be constantly trying to catch glimpses of them out of the corner of my eye.

I am afraid of the future though.  That is my one true great fear.  I am afraid of where this path will lead...
... that I will lose my way.
... that I will come to the end alone.
... that no one will care.
....and most of all, that my nightmare will become reality and will form the final page of this story called my life.

Stupid, silly fears, but they make me who I am in a way.  I once heard that everything is driven by fear especially love.  That saying never seems truer then in the late hours when I sit thinking... or when I awaken with a start and find myself alone, even if someone else is there.

I wasn't brave enough to admit this earlier, but when my boyfriend came down for the weekend it was a constant battle not to fall asleep in his arms for the majority of his stay.  This says nothing about his ability to keep me entertained.  He is the funniest, most entertaining, most intellectually stimulating guy that I have met, but for a moment one attribute trumped all of that and that attribute is this: 

In his arms I felt safe from all of my fears of the future.  From that safe haven my fears were little more then shadows on the wall.  And in that safe place I rediscovered the bravery to dream of a future that could be nice.  I only hope this dream can come true.

I have dated a few guys over the past few years.  There are not many similarities between them.  They just were.

It all started with B.  I won't reveal B's name because it doesn't really ultimately matter, but he was the first.  To this day I still think of him as the closet-emo kid who loved Metallica.  He was sweet.  He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend.  Like I said, he was sweet, but he treated me like a china doll.  He wanted to put me up on a shelf where I would be safe.  He got clingy, and I had to end it.  Yeah, emo-ness...

Then there was a while where I just turned down any date offers.  Due to stuff with friends, I wasn't up to it mentally or emotionally.  I don't know if I ever got over it or just learned to move through that pain...

For senior prom I got together with S, my non-date date.  A word of advice to all:  never go to a dance with someone without clarifying the nature of your relationship.  Yeah, that was... awful.

Following graduation was R.  R was a country boy and a soldier.  He disliked the fact that I was going into journalism and thought I should join the military like him.  He wanted a family.  I wanted a sholder to lean on.  It worked well until I realized that I'm not ready for a family and, cold though it sounds, its kinda hard to lean on a sholder that is stationed half-way around the world.  In a dramatic scene worthy of daytime tv, I ended it.  He still tries to get in touch.  He refuses to believe it's over.

Then M came along.  Gosh.  I think I loved parts of his personality more then him as a person, but such things are easy to confuse.  Plus he was scary good at turning up just when I needed someone the most.  He knew it wasn't meant to be though, so... no mas.

Then D.  D was quite possibly the best rebound ever.  What do I know though?  He was my only rebound.  But was he even a rebound?  Or something more?  Either way he made a knack for himself as something else.  He made me laugh.  I wasn't afraid to say anything around him, and it was the first time in a long time that I had felt like I could truely speak my mind.  Without being judged, or having to worry that I was somehow inherrently flawed.  We couldn't technically break-up because he made it clear from early on that to him dating meant considering marriage, and he wasn't ready for that.  We did go our seperate ways though.  I still consider him a good friend.  Even if he is... well, we won't go there.

Now I'm dating H. He's a sweet southern guy who... I suppose I need some more perspective for this one, don't I?

 Ha ha.  And I'm realizing that my labeling system is skewed, but most systems are.  Here they are though, the relationships that have affected me for better or worse, with the guys who I alternativly love and want to smack upside the head:

1. B: the closet emo kid who loves Metallica
2. S: the non-date date
3. R: the soldier who wanted a family
4. M: the troubled guy who pulled me close then flung me loose
5. D: the one who finally got me to open back up (who is a bit of a player)
6. H: the man of the hour

What else is there to say?  These words have been floating around in my head for quite a while now, and its nice to finally put them down somewhere.  But to what ends, I wonder? 

After all, only one of these relationships is in the present, which is the only thing that I can do anything about, and thus far I have dodged the bullet with him on relating my past relationships.  What would he say though if he knew that the guy who called last week once held me close?  How would he react knowing that he recomend that I ask my ex for computer help?  (Considering he doesn't even know we dated... I'll tell him, eventually.)  *sigh* I don't even know what to do.